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Writer's Block: Play it again, Sam   
12:34am 12/11/2009
 
If you could only listen to one CD for the rest of your life, what would you choose and why?




Garbage. version 2.0. A lot of my life theme songs are on there.
 
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Writer's Block: My Favorite Quick & Healthy Recipe   
08:47pm 22/09/2009
 
What’s your favorite quick, easy, and healthy recipe?


grilled cheese and tomato soup. Is that healthy?
 
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daily thoughts....   
06:31pm 09/11/2008
 
mood: chipper
It's not wrong to have too much fun, is it?

lol
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
10:48am 02/07/2008
 
mood: calm
Might be movin to West Des Moines.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Thinkin about it.
Ugh!
Decisions to be made.
Whatever.
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
06:10pm 04/06/2008
 
mood: pissed off
I'm pissed off right now.
A little at myself. A little at A. And a lot at J.
All it does is remind me what I wasn't able to finish.
And I really hate it.
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
08:36pm 09/05/2008
  Watchin the Real World........
Ummmmhhhhh.......yeah.....Really?
Bulllshit!!

On a side note, I look fuckin' good!!
And I feel good!!
LOL!!
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
12:04pm 26/04/2008
 
mood: calm
You know what?
Life isn't so bad.
I have a job.
I'm paying my bills.
I feel good about myself.
Not everything is good, I'm not saying that.
I seem to be dealing with everything better.
Not getting so upset.
Taking it 'one day at a time'.
I am so calm.
I'm laughing more.
Self-control and discipline are surprisingly a part of my life now.
I'm on a budget.
I work out.
I eat regularly.
i smile a lot.
I enjoy things so much more.

I cannot believe I'm about to say this,
but I like being sober.
 
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daily thoughts.....   
10:53am 13/04/2008
 
mood: mellow
We broke up.
It sucked.
There was crying.
There was yelling.
There was a sense of maturity about all of it.

He asked to be my friend still.
I said, "I've seen you naked and we've done stuff, no fucking way."

I was promoted at JJ's. I'm a manager now.
If they send me off to certification, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go.
Two wks paid training.

Going to church today.
Just waiting for my friend to get ready.
She's always late.
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
03:53pm 03/04/2008
  Finally, Some alone time!!!!  
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Daily Thoughts....   
01:12am 17/03/2008
 
mood: tired
We had an argument over a tator tot.
My resume has been perfected.
Birthday dinner was exquisite tonight.
I was promoted against my better judgement on Saturday.
Had a wonderful time today at church with the Pancake Man.

God, I hope I get this job.
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
11:35pm 10/03/2008
 
mood: tired
Ablah dee, ablah do, life goes on,
la de dah dah, life goes on.

S- is a wonderful, wonderful man. He's deep and meaningful, caring and respectful, a total nerd and corporate totalitarian, innovative, hunk of a man. And cute to boot, too. He cooked dinner for me tonight while I looked through the classified for another job. A mushroom squash medley that was perfectly seasoned and definitely suited for the semi-cold weather we're having at the moment. He included some vegetarian apple smoked sausage. It was awesome! It was so good. Then we watched Star Trek, he did some work, I did graded some papers, we watched the View. It was perfect.

JJ offered me a promotion today as mngr. Again. One would think they'd got the hint the first time I said no. Oh well, whatever. Doesn't really matter. I got some information on a job at Rural as a dispatcher. That would be kinda neat. Also, I'll be lookin on-line manana about a phlebotomy job at the plasma center here in town. Luck with that rite?

Collectors are starting to call. That's always scary.
Well, again, whatever.
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
10:19pm 06/03/2008
 
mood: rejuvenated
It was my first day back to work today at the restaurant. It was a lot of fun. I've agreed to working 15 to 20 hrs a week, with the understanding that I'm still looking for a full-time job more suited to my talents and background. I'm very pleased with the situation.

Manana should be very exciting. S- has asked me to attend an art gallery opening with him. It's supposed to be a very sheik and uppity place we are going to. Have to go shopping!! Yay! Totally taking A- with me and we're hitting all the second-hand stores. What's a guy to do? It's all I can afford.

Out similarities and differences are just uncanny. He listens to Meatloaf! I mentioned to him I took my job back at the restaurant and he made a comment, "Good, now you can start saving for our trip to Greece!" Shock does not nearly depict my reaction to this. Seriously? What is he thinking? What am I thinking? I'm glowing. If anybody knows me at all, I DO NOT glow. I used to think it was something beyond me, a bodily function I could never achieve and had lost the ability to do. Here I sit, glowing. If I weren't glowing, I think I'd puke. LOL!

The mtg tonight was pretty boring. I didn't really have anything to say. The topic just didn't strike any chord in me. However it did make me think a little bit more seriously about getting a sponsor. Ugh! The things one must do to get sober.

Oh, yeah. Told S- I was in a program. He took it very well. We discussed it at length and answered almost all of his questions to the best of my ability. He respects me so much. It scares me a little. I've never been this intimate with anyone.

I'm looking forward to manana tremendously and hope it will go well!
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
11:11pm 04/03/2008
 
mood: determined
I went and accepted my old job back again. Part-time, only a couple of days a week. My boss says she'll work with me with everything else, meetings, getting a full-time job. It's really nice. Strange how everything is working out. Anyways.

Met up with S- tonight. Could only hang out for about an hour. It was good, though. He's very inquisitive, which for me is a little odd. I don't like answering people's questions, and in reciprocation to that I don't like asking a lot of questions. I think he finds that odd. I hope he's not taking it as I don't want to know anything about him. For right now, after only four or five days, I feel like I don't need to know anything else about him. I've soaked up all I can take. I should tell him that, so he doesn't think I'm losing interest.

A- and I are closer than ever. Since I apologized to her, there hasn't been a day since we haven't hung out or talked to ea. other. Even just to check in and make sure everything is all right with each of us. She's wants to start coming to mtgs with me. I think that is the coolest ever!! I don't know if she is alcoholic, that's for her to decide, but I think it will help her figure things out in her own life.

I've decided to tell S- I'm in AA. Not sure when. Manana, or the next day, maybe.

The mtg tonight was really nice. I showed and thought I was late because of how numerous the crowd was. There were at least 30 people there tonight, give or take a few. The topic was about our first mtg ever. It was rather nostalgic. Memories from Italy were brought up. It was odd talking about such a troubling time but was very freeing at the same time. Confessional to total strangers is awesome, no wonder the Catholics do it so often.

Went to church again on Sunday. I got a rock. I might explain that someday. Maybe not.

A- made a good point tonight. "Don't talk yourself out of anything. Quit the sabotaging!" It's funny in a way. That's exactly what I was doing on the way to her house. I was thinking all these crazy things. About two stop signs from her house I mentally slapped myself. I've only known him for five days. Things are fine. Everything is progressing like any fledgling relationship should go. We're feeling ea other out, and that's ok.

God, I feel better already.
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
11:56pm 03/03/2008
 
mood: contemplative
Graded a lot of papers today. Students are so stupid. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Wait, one more thing. STUDY!! That's all you have to do, to pass a class. STUDY!! Is it really that hard. I hate doin it to, but it's what got me through it all.

Went to a mtg. It was nice. I'm felling pressured to get a sponsor. That's a good thing, though. I need one. I need to work the program a little bit more. I need to get a little more dedication and structure into my life.

Dad is no longer talking to me. He's very angry and justifiably so. He'll get over it eventually, when he finally realizes not everything can be done his way.

Three job opportunities have arisen in the past three days, two alone today. One at the restaurant. One with some telemarketers. One at the hospital as an operator. That aspect of my life is looking good. The tutoring is going well so far. As is the teacher aid deal. I'm also looking into volunteering with NAP. Probably won't go full blown into that yet til I figure out what I'm going to do about a job. J- is getting me contact numbers with the hospital. S- needs to get to know me a little more b4 he fully puts his offer out there on the plate. Understandable.

Life goes on. As usual.
 
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Daily Thoughts...   
11:51pm 03/03/2008
 
mood: calm
He's 6'4'. That in and of itself is weird. I never fall for the tall ones.
He's extremely smart.
He's dedicated.
He's vegetarian.
He's well kept.
He's oriented.
He's intelligent.
He knows what he wants.
He has goals and dreams.
He aspires to be something more than what he is now.
He wants a family.
He's older. (Scary again. But not so much as it would have been a cpl of yrs ago.)
He likes technology.
And politics.
He has a really nice car and house.
He's dedicated.
He has three cats and a dog.
He's meticulous.
He's open.
He listens.
He respects boundaries.
He's respectful.
He's intuitive.
He's traveled.

What am I gonna do?
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
03:13am 01/03/2008
 
mood: enthralled
Tonight was strange, bewildering and completely causing me to be overly ecstatic!!
His name is Sean.
And that's it for now.
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
10:34pm 28/02/2008
 
mood: blah
Did you know, not all bras are the same? You can't be pulling at it all day long?
Apparently.

I pull at it all day long. lol. I did today anyway.
Ha

I didn't do anything today. Surfed the net, watched tv. Didn't even take a shower. I stink. P-U! I get like that pretty often. Just don't care about myself or what's going on around me or outside of me. I insulate myself in my own mind and don't peek out for anything. I don't think I even really thought about anything today.

Not true.

I thought about writing. I thought about making money by writing.
I could do it.

Breaking my writer's block is a ginormous barrier, however. I've had it for a couple of years now. Sitting down and writing has become a foreign activity to me. The pencil some malicious, vicious, viperous stem of wood ready to infect me with it's sharp, explosive bite.
(Going Austen here, way too many adjectives. Just exercising my mind and vocab, I guess. Helps when the on-line thesaurus is minimized on the little tool bar.) The vast white universe of the paper is daunting to even try and fill. It's absolute horror to me!!

Went to a meeting tonight. It was odd. Heard the same reading from a couple of days ago. I like that. I like it when I hear thing more than once. It's not that I take it as a sign, but I pay more attention to it. We were talking about psychic change. A total revamping of the way one thinks and the actions one executes. It's a strange concept. It's turning your entire world upside down, backwards and reverse. It's looking in the mirror and realizing your reflection is looking back at you and has been trying to break through to slap you in the face, screaming at you "Idiot!! Fucker, what were you thinking!" Followed by a quick life coaching moment, "This is how we'll fix it....." It's strange and extraordinary all at the same time.

I need to go grade papers.
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
11:16pm 27/02/2008
 
mood: giddy
Today was all right. Nothing really big happened. Went and helped my student out. She had a psych paper due. On narcissism of all things. It was a pretty interesting subject. Thought there was a lot of me reflected in all the research. Not too much of a surprise really considering my history. It's all about me me me me me me me me. LOL. Well it has, and nobody an really contradict that or come up with a good of enough reason for me to reconsider this thought. I'm very egotistical. I only surround myself with the best, and somehow I'm still the loner, another characteristic of the disorder by the way. I can't be around people who are of lesser value or don't give me enough value. Prognosis for a narcissist is very, very poor. Medications don't really work. Why? Cause the narcissist would be admitting there is a problem, but of course the narcissist is perfect *said with a wink, of course, and cheesy smile*. Ah, whatever!! Of course I'm narcissistic!! I'm an alcoholic. What else could I be. Goes right along with the Borderline Personality thing. Ha ha ha ha!!

Helped some at school today. Giving shots, IV's....that kinda thing. Put me in a pretty good mood. I was surprised. I like teaching the kids. They don't know what they're doing and seeing that first success of seeing the flash in their needle, and that little light come on, that light that says "I can do this. I do know what I'm doing. Yes!!!" It's a pretty good feeling.

Did I mention I'm getting a tutoring job. 30 bucks a wk. Yay!! Some income. Way better than nothing though. Maybe there will be a chance for me to expand that. Type some papers, get some more tutorees or something.

Mtg tonight was pretty dumb. It only lasted for about 35 minutes. Didn't really get too much out of it. I think it's just cause not everyone is really all that far along with the program. The old-timers don't really feel like coming to the step-mtgs anymore. They've already been there, done that, sorta thing. To me, however, I feel it really sucks for the rest of us who are trying to get our shit in order and we don't have a variety of examples and wisdom to choose and learn from.

Dad called James today. That was surprising. I guess I need to call him. I wish he would just leave me alone though. I'm not going back to the farm. I don't want to be there. I don't want him to support me, which is what he wants to do. Where would all my freedom go?
 
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Daily Thoughts....   
09:41pm 26/02/2008
 
mood: awake
Today was all right. Had my job interview. It went okay. The guy I interviewed with said he'd email me by Fri or Sat. Said there were three or four other people applying for the same job. He seemed to be pretty adamant though about getting me a second interview. That's good news. A tutoring job may be opening up for me in the next day or so. (I find this all kind of ironic. Can't go to school and learn things, but I can learn all by myself by imparting my self-taught education onto other people. LOL!)

Went to a couple of mtgs today. 90 in 90 you know. They were really good. Came to realize tonight I am going to have to make amends with God. Or at least my higher power as I understand him. It never occurred to me I might have to do that. The same with former employers. Not really looking forward to any of it, but I know it's something I have to do. Gotta clean up house before I can go out and spread the wealth, rite?

I just got a taco handed to me. I'm gonna go stuff my face.
 
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Daily Thoughts.....   
10:12pm 25/02/2008
 
mood: calm
Job interview manana. At the Buckle. Yet again. Strange how things rpt themselves. Have to dress fashionably. Shouldn't be too hard. I am gay after all. I should be able to activate that gene at anytime.
Right?
It snowed. Again. I am completely fed up c the snow.
It hasn't snowed for about four days and I swear the salt guys forgot how to do their jobs. Craziness.
Down to thirty dollars or so for funds. Things should get interesting here in the next couple of wks or so. Kinda livin out of my car, kinda not. I've got a friend I'm staying c, but I feel weird about it. I haven't moved anything in yet. Every morning I go get new clean clothes out of the car, put the dirty laundry in a bag and lock up my "locker."
It's kinda hilarious. I think it is anyway.
Thought I'd mention, I'm in treatment, also.
Ok, so there's my update, my check in, whatever you wanna call it, there it is.

Went to church, on Sunday. It was very intense. I was actually moved. Not to tears or anything, but some sort of emotion was stirred deep down in the depths of my very dark, horrid soul. So much so, I'm going next wk. It wasn't even a question. I didn't have to consider anything or think twice about what I was saying. My friend, who took me, asks as we were leaving, "So have you been horribly scarred?"
Response: Of course. -in fact, on a side note, I think my skin was a slightly charred, and my hair had been frizzed- And I'll see you here next wk, right?
She was surprised.
I wasn't.
Strange.
Spirituality was awoken in me, and low and behold if I didn't go to the public library and checked out two books on witchcraft the same day. Lol! Again, I thought it was funny.
 
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